A family built through adoption.

I experienced foster to adopt as a sister, but it's so much different as a parent. Ryan and I talked a lot about this decision to build our family this way, it meant a lot to both of us. I am lucky to have married someone like Ryan...we were definitely meant for each other. It's a long process to get licensed through the state, and one we kept private. We wanted the emphasis to be on our child, and not being foster parents. As my Dad told me this last weekend "Just wait til everyone says what a good person you are, and thanking you for adopting. But we are the lucky ones, blessed with these children, not the other way around". We've heard it, and it's what we hoped to avoid by not sharing until we got Baby "M". She is our focus!

The love part is easy. Being a family is easy. It's normal and perfect to us. The hard part is the conversations with others. I think everyone is well-meaning, has positive intentions and is interested in our story. But I have to share what makes this journey hard for me as a Mom.

"What happened to her REAL Mom and Dad?"
Ryan and I are M's REAL Mom and Dad. We are not her BIOLOGICAL Mom and Dad. We kiss her boo-boos. We rock her to sleep. We teach her to crawl, and to play, and we love her. We are Mommy and Daddy. Casey is her big brother. From the moment she was placed in my arms, she was mine. Just as Casey, when placed in my arms in the hospital was my son...she is my daughter. I am her Mom. Kids accept this so much more willingly than adults. My good friends daughter asked "Mommy? Did Baby M grow in Megan's tummy?" Her Mom just gave birth to her little brother, so she was an expert on tummy's and babies. I looked at my friend and she answered so eloquently, "No, honey, another Mom grew M in her tummy, but Megan is her Mommy now". And her little girl said "Okay!" and ran off to play with Casey. It hurts my heart when others ask about her real Mom. Because I'm it. We get asked a lot about the details of her Biological parents. But that is private. That is for Ryan and I to know, and someday, when M is old enough to understand, that will be for her to know. The rest of the world gets to know that we are a family, that M is our daughter, Casey is our son, and we love each other.

"Did her Mom use drugs and alcohol while she was pregnant?"
Would you ever ask a friend if they used while pregnant? I would hope not. So, why is it okay to ask me that, about my child? Why would you need to know that? And how is the answer going to matter to you? Would you think of her differently if the answer is yes? Would you think of her differently if the answer is no? What if we don't have that answer? I have been asked this so many times. It hurts a lot to hear this question. What are you implying when you ask me that? The answer to that question, whether it be YES, NO or I DON'T KNOW, has nothing to do with you. If the answer makes a difference to you, you probably don't belong in my life, or the life of my children. But it hurts my heart and my feelings every time I am asked.

"Is the adoption finalized? Is she yours yet?"
Adopting through the state takes a long time. A really long time. Private adoption is finalized nearly immediately after placement, but that is not the case in foster to adopt. A finalized adoption won't change anything but the legal paperwork. It won't make me any more of a parent, I am already her Mom. It won't make me love her more, I already love her to the moon and back. She loves me, she loves her Daddy and her big brother. A stamp of approval by a Judge is just that. And trust me, we will share that day when it comes! We will celebrate that day, it will be a BIG deal...but it may not happen for awhile. We are patient. We live our lives as a family, like any other family. We are excited to celebrate Christmas with our kids,  and to celebrate her first birthday...she is ours. She is our daughter. She is a little sister. A Granddaughter. A Great-Granddaughter. A niece. A sweet, smiling, giggling 11 month old. She is OUR daughter. I know people mean well when they ask. I don't doubt that at all. But, in our eyes, the status of the legal mumbo-jumbo doesn't determine the status of our family.

"But she doesn't look like you...."
Nope. She doesn't. And that is the extent of the answer that I give strangers. I have a fair skinned, tow head blonde, blue eyed boy. And I have a dark/olive skinned, jet black hair and beautiful brown eyed girl. They are strikingly different. They accept that, they love each other, play with each other, kiss each other and fight with each other. They are brother and sister. Casey protects his little sister (when he isn't knocking her over); he lets his friends know at school "That's MY sister, NOT YOURS!" Again, I love the innocence and acceptingness of kids. It's just pure love. And we will foster that while they are young, and hope they are the best of friends when bigger. For some reason, others seem to need a reason as to why our kids look so different, but again, our looks are not what makes us a family. Love makes a family!

So please, love M with us. Know that we are her parents. Don't ask us about her past. Don't ask us about the legal stuff. Ask us what she's up to. Ask us what her latest trick is. Ask us if we are getting any sleep. And please, don't ever refer to us as anything but her Mom and Dad.